His love is like a swimming pool in the summer plenty cool. Winter comes and it’s not used to you. His love is like suicide lose your faith and it takes tour life. His love is a merry go round spins you in circles then it knocks you down. His love is a cheap alcohol. Morning comes and you don’t recall at all. His love is the Cheshire cat at first so sweet than it takes you back. His love is like the stars above. Your guiding light that always leads you in the darkest night. His love is like Jesus Christ no matter how much faith he most his life. It’s his love that makes me blind yet still I can’t leave him behind. It’s his love I hold so tight in the end I need you in my life.
It seems like everything bad always happens right at the same
Trust me I totally get it. I know
that things always seem to come out of nowhere and kind of just smack you when
you are least expecting it to. I think the real choice for us thought at that
point is what do we do with it? some of us choose to take it as a excuse to
run, as others take it by the horns and start rough riding into the
championship. For me right now it seems like a lot is going on and it is all
out of my control. That is never a good thing for a person like me that likes
all my ducks lined up in a row ready to go. I do not ever like feeling helpless
and out of control. Like for instance I never would have thought I would be
changing my life pretty much all at once with in less than a week. I never
thought that I would have fallen for someone the way I, after I swore that I wouldn’t
ever let someone in like this or even this quickly. What started off as just
someone to hang with for the night. Less than a week later we are living
together and I think we both are happy. I know I am. I have always searched my
whole life for that one person who even remotely understood me in the least. I
mean I have been in some relationships were it came close but nothing like this
so far. I just in such a sort amount of time feel totally comfortable being
myself. Making my goofy little faces and voices. Having your whole life fall apart all around you
and apparently having a STD and
yet he still tell you It’s okay. Still wanting to stand beside you when you’re
on a three day manic anxiety attack and can’t sleep even when your body is
screaming at you too but you just can’t because your mind just won’t stop.
Seeing shapes and shadow people because you are so sleep deprived yet you wake
him up in the middle of the night because you’re scared, and what does he do?
He pulls you close even after he took you in you had a STD, jobless and pretty
much penniless. He pulls you close and says its okay babe I am right here with you
and I have your back. What kind of love is that? What kind of man that only
knows all these horrible things that are falling apart all around you out of
your control tells you that he’s here?
I’ll tell you what kind of man!
That is the kind of man that makes me want to
be a better man for myself so I can have something to offer back to him. That’s
the kind of man that I want to spend the rest of my life with growing better
for myself along the way with him. That is the kind of man that knows what unconditional love is! That’s
the kind of man I want to be. I want to be so freely giving and understanding.
I want to be selfless and thoughtless like that. I mean I have always been told
I have a great heart and am sweet and kind but I mean damn! I always heard
about things like this happening but it never happens to me… Until now.
Things are a little rough, I mean
have a job I start Friday I think? (Haven’t gotten details for sure but a
possible) I have a wonderful man. Now that I treated the STD, I have a pretty
clean health of bill. So why do I allow my anxiety to take control of me like
it does to the point it is crippling? I mean until the point that my heart
feels like it is going to burst from my chest. My arms and legs start to get
shaky. I get light headed when I stand up. I get so sick to the stomach that I won’t
eat. I can barely think of anything but everything that is possibly wrong in my
life rather than looking at all the good that is there.
Even growing up I always thought of
the worst. It just seems like in my life shit always falls apart at some point
or another. Nothing ever seems to stay consistent including the things I like
doing. Take my writing for instance. It is something I could do all day sit and
put words into thought flowing into a consistent UN godly headache for you to
read. But honestly it just seemed like my whole life always changed so
drastically all the time. Places I lived, schools I was in, music I used to
like. I can honestly say that the only one single thing that stayed the same
was this self-hate and loathing for myself inside. Like no matter how well in
life I may be doing or how great I seem on the outside usually inside I am
crying out in pain. I truly wish that I could pin point the reason. Why can’t I
stand myself most of the time when others seem to want to be around me? I think
that’s something I am going to have to look deep into and find some sort of
level field for it. I am by all means not like suicidal or depressed. Besides
this over bearing bitch anxiety right now I am fairly happy.
Okay so I think I went on a
meaningless rant and if you have made it WIN!
Thanks for reading be sure to follow
me so I can enjoy your work also.
Have you ever sat in your room alone at night wondering if there was anyone out there that even cared? Too truly wonder if you just step back and left would there even be any tears cried?
Did you ever split a razor blade apart and tear at your own flesh just to feel alive? Knowing that just that little bit of pain is probably the attention you will get all day? Just watching the little drops of blood pull to tips of your fingers and splash across the floor?
Have you ever truly just wanted to be understood? For even just
one second? Just to feel that someone out in the world would take a moment to
listen? To the bleating voices raging a storm inside your head? To just for
once have someone see the pain that is lurking inside and gives a damn about
Have you just wished your entire life that something for once, just
for even a milliliter of a second would finally go your way? That maybe all that
fate stuff isn’t just so much bullshit after all? That maybe good people like
us do get seen for who we are? That we just want to be smiled at and told we
are valued and wanted just as much as the next…..
I Have too!
This message is to you
and anyone else you know out there in this world that feels like we do. You
are not and never will be alone! You may not see it or know it even as you
read this or show it to your friend’s, but you have so much power and beauty
that lay deep with you! Take a second and look in the mirror and find that
strength to continue on. You don’t even know that you will someday touch the
life of someone! Please believe me when I tell you that this person has been
waiting for you their whole lives too!
the curiosity of a question, the complex notion that something greater is infested with in, whats the meaning of another’s love? what is the unknown word love? The mere usage of a word used by those to compensate for something greater than they are. The word,, Ah at lass just being that a word, used and broken people regenerate it, restrict it and put a standard to it. putting a set list on word s and telling the mass that it is being something better, that is is a unsubstantial force that draws and longs souls to one another. the meaning of this one word “love” this one things that defines the limits between obsession, lust, sexual pleasure and favor, The lines that cross paths and brings two beings in to one great existence. What is the notion of a question when the question it self is undefined, underlined and well un quaint? What is the question when you do not know the answer? The real riddle of the problems that twist love into emotions. Ah but the calling of a ghostly verb…. or more a noun a action in motion by ones tone. the movement of the planet to a youthenism that was aged and forgotten. The universal signature of a power greater than we can explain. ah love