_{It seems like everything bad always happens right at the same time right?}

_{Trust me I totally get it. I know that things always seem to come out of nowhere and kind of just smack you when you are least expecting it to. I think the real choice for us thought at that point is what do we do with it? some of us choose to take it as a excuse to run, as others take it by the horns and start rough riding into the championship. For me right now it seems like a lot is going on and it is all out of my control. That is never a good thing for a person like me that likes all my ducks lined up in a row ready to go. I do not ever like feeling helpless and out of control. Like for instance I never would have thought I would be changing my life pretty much all at once with in less than a week. I never thought that I would have fallen for someone the way I, after I swore that I wouldn’t ever let someone in like this or even this quickly. What started off as just someone to hang with for the night. Less than a week later we are living together and I think we both are happy. I know I am. I have always searched my whole life for that one person who even remotely understood me in the least. I mean I have been in some relationships were it came close but nothing like this so far. I just in such a sort amount of time feel totally comfortable being myself. Making my goofy little faces and voices.  Having your whole life fall apart all around you and apparently having a STD and yet he still tell you It’s okay. Still wanting to stand beside you when you’re on a three day manic anxiety attack and can’t sleep even when your body is screaming at you too but you just can’t because your mind just won’t stop. Seeing shapes and shadow people because you are so sleep deprived yet you wake him up in the middle of the night because you’re scared, and what does he do? He pulls you close even after he took you in you had a STD, jobless and pretty much penniless. He pulls you close and says its okay babe I am right here with you and I have your back. What kind of love is that? What kind of man that only knows all these horrible things that are falling apart all around you out of your control tells you that he’s here?}

_{I’ll tell you what kind of man!}

 _{That is the kind of man that makes me want to be a better man for myself so I can have something to offer back to him. That’s the kind of man that I want to spend the rest of my life with growing better for myself along the way with him. That is the kind of man that knows what unconditional love is! That’s the kind of man I want to be. I want to be so freely giving and understanding. I want to be selfless and thoughtless like that. I mean I have always been told I have a great heart and am sweet and kind but I mean damn! I always heard about things like this happening but it never happens to me… Until now.}

_{Things are a little rough, I mean have a job I start Friday I think? (Haven’t gotten details for sure but a possible) I have a wonderful man. Now that I treated the STD, I have a pretty clean health of bill. So why do I allow my anxiety to take control of me like it does to the point it is crippling? I mean until the point that my heart feels like it is going to burst from my chest. My arms and legs start to get shaky. I get light headed when I stand up. I get so sick to the stomach that I won’t eat. I can barely think of anything but everything that is possibly wrong in my life rather than looking at all the good that is there.}

_{Even growing up I always thought of the worst. It just seems like in my life shit always falls apart at some point or another. Nothing ever seems to stay consistent including the things I like doing. Take my writing for instance. It is something I could do all day sit and put words into thought flowing into a consistent UN godly headache for you to read. But honestly it just seemed like my whole life always changed so drastically all the time. Places I lived, schools I was in, music I used to like. I can honestly say that the only one single thing that stayed the same was this self-hate and loathing for myself inside. Like no matter how well in life I may be doing or how great I seem on the outside usually inside I am crying out in pain. I truly wish that I could pin point the reason. Why can’t I stand myself most of the time when others seem to want to be around me? I think that’s something I am going to have to look deep into and find some sort of level field for it. I am by all means not like suicidal or depressed. Besides this over bearing bitch anxiety right now I am fairly happy.}

_{Okay so I think I went on a meaningless rant and if you have made it WIN!}

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